PotYUCK

I like to consider myself to be unapologetically black. I do things like, tie my scarf to the front and then tie it to the back to make sure ALL my edges are laid in this bun. I am also the first one to ask if the potato salad was made with Dukes mayo or Miracle whip. I could care less which one was used because I'm not going to eat it anyways. I’m going to leave early and speed on two wheels to get home to whatever has been cooking in the crock pot all day. I realized some time ago that the black people at my job are not black at all. How did I come to this conclusion you ask? Well, I noticed on more than one occasion that they get great joy and excitement out of our corporate potlucks and I am 100 percent confused by it. First of all, let me say this.. We work in a setting where there are over 400 people working in a very large building. I constantly hear people sneezing and not covering their mouths in their cubicles (yeah I can hear it). Nobody has hand sanitizes at their desks besides me and my work buddy and 12 times out of ten there is no soap in the bathroom so how are you washing your hands, Heather?? For these reasons I have decided that the moment that an aluminum foil top is peeled back, 1000 little boogers fall from the ceiling. I thought the black people would all be on the same page but come to find out, they love little nasty potlucks. They happily dip their chips in buffalo chicken dip and pretend like its normal to be eating shredded chicken thighs, Texas Pete hot sauce and cream cheese on a cracker. Real black folks don’t eat buffalo chicken dip, green bean casserole or licorice. Fight me.

The other day one of my favorite blacks at the company walked into the break room, picked up a piece of random chicken that had been sitting there and popped it into her mouth. My soul lifted out of my body and landed directly into “you can’t sit with us” land. I was flabbergasted because I thought for sure, she was a Wakanda loving, baked mac and cheese making, fist in the air, hardcore Negro. She disappointed me. I was rooting for her (Tyra voice).

In all honestly, I truly believe that potluck should be designated to Freindsgiving and family outings. When I see my coworkers dipping and scooping I can’t help but think that the same germs that are on the door handles and keyboards, are the same germs that land directly on top of the doughnuts. I have yet to grab a burrito, or a bagel from the break room and now everyone thinks I have a problem. They are right, I’m a picky black girl that says ewwww to everything. Now let me eat my wheat thins that are perfectly located in my file cabinet in peace. I’ll tell you this and mark my words, while they pass the flu back and forth to each other this fall, I’m going to be in cubical 5, extension 2482 living my best life.