A God (complex) in Brooklyn

I recently got the opportunity to sit down and spend some time with a person who's cup runneth so far over with arrogance, you would think that Jesus dialed his mainline for advice...Yep... For the first time in my life I met someone with a true God complex. We will call him Lenny to spare myself a lawsuit. LOL! I met Lenny through a mutual friend in February of this year. Initially when I met Lenny I thought...Wow, look at this pompous know- it- all that actually knows nothing at all...How Dreadful!!! He was combative, pushy, loud, and he had a million different professions and self given titles but I couldn’t figure out what he was a master of. His entire vibe bothered me. He shook my hand and within 5 minutes he began to tell me about myself labeling me as a person that doesn't go for what they want. In an attempt to be ladylike and a polite Christian, I smiled, curtseyed and even chuckled at his insults to keep the energy light. I figured his crass personality was a cover up for some deep insecurities and a lack of social skills. I would later come to find out that this behavior was a childlike way of flirting. An hour or so into our first encounter he offered up his jacket because I was cold and we began to talk about our hopes, dreams and desires. I then started to see him as a human and less as a character created by FOX only to be canceled right in the middle of pilot season. We ended up exchanging numbers and began a friendship with a side of flirt.

Lenny lived in New York so it was just enough distance for me to not spark anything real because I knew we were much too different to be anything other than friends.. Hell.. we were borderline frenemies at times. Don’t get me wrong.. he was a very nice looking guy with a great smile, perfect height, and outside of his questionable fashion choices there was nothing physically displeasing about him. Despite his outward appearance though, he always managed to find a way to say something so terribly eye- roll- worthy that eventually he started to look like a big ol' wet fart to me. I began to retreat even more in my conversations with him by keeping my text messages to a minimum like a tweet before they changed the character count. My birthday trip to New York was approaching so I figured that I would at least hang out with him a bit. I started to consider the fact that Lenny might be one of those people that needed 5 times to make a great first impression.

The first night that I arrived in New York Lenny came to meet my friends and I at the apartment we were staying in. He twirled in on an imaginary red carpet, halfway introduced himself and then proceeded to pour himself some tequila that didn’t belong to any of us. The air immediately got thicker than Serena Williams eyebrows. I had already indulged in two drinks earlier so I was slightly amused by how incredibly out of pocket he was being. My friends however, were not. I could see both of them drawing out a large red target right between his eyes. I had to get him out of there. I grabbed his hand, told him that we should go out for drinks, politely squeezed past the elephant in the room and left. Lenny and I grabbed a cab and headed to a safer place for my sanity (so i thought). The first place that we went to had no line. The door man said that my entry was free but that Lenny would have to pay 20 bucks in order to enter. This set Lenny off. He told the man that he was a big deal and that he’s got credentials.. I was completely embarrassed. My tipsy state of mind was starting to wear off and I was starting to realize why I erased him out of my phone for months only to add him back right before Delta checked my bags in. I was embarrassed and he was EXTRA!!! He then grabbed me and we both stormed off like queens but for two completely different reasons. He took me to a second location that was actually nice and chill and quiet enough for us to talk. He brought up a conversation we had previously about what our definitions of wealth were. I reiterated the SAME EXACT THING that I told him to first time that we engaged in this unnecessary debate. I told him that everyone is wealthy because we are all made in the image of God and we are all born with an inheritance to the kingdom. In my opinion that is indeed wealth. There is no upper, middle and lower class in the eyes of the Lord and we should only look to please Him and Him only. Lenny of course, disagreed. His opinion of wealth is to wake up in a new Bugatti, to achieve the worlds definition of fame, to receive comp tickets every upscale event and to be an elitist. That was okay with me but no where in his definition of wealth did he mention helping others (wholeheartedly) or even helping his own damn momma. I started to feel a little sad for him. He was so incredibly lost but I was losing steam and patience trying to hand him my last flashlight.

I started to get a little uncomfortable so I decided to refocus my attention. In the process of doing that I caught a glimpse of his phone. “WOW" I said, your screensaver is a picture of yourself.. you can’t be serious'!!! He puffed up his already puffed up chest that didn’t match his legs because clearly he skips leg day and told me “Yes.. because I inspire me.” At that moment I had a small outer body experience! I realized that If he really idolized himself there was definitely no room for me and my Jesus talk. I quickly switched the subject to my love for New York and how I would love to move there soon but I don’t want move hastily. I told him that my decision to move to LA was not a decision I made on my own. I got a confirmation from the Holy Spirit that was so loud that I couldn’t ignore it. I sold everything I owned the next week, broke the lease to my apartment, and moved a couple months later. Lenny found fault in that of course. He told me that he doesn’t wait for a spirit but that he drives his spirit. I moved my chair back awaiting for a lightening bolt to strike him first and then me for listening to this blasphemy.

At the end of the day It took me a minute but I finally realized what you all probably realized in the very beginning of this story... Lenny and I HATE each other!! He's mad annoying and Im sure he feels the exact same way about me. I think all too often we try to be nice and we try not to dislike people but sometimes its ok to say naaah.. I don't like you. I am free ya'll! I don't like Lenny or his God complex. So I think this is a lesson for all passive people.. Don't try to like the unlikable and if you are the unlikable (I am sometimes) try to find ways to become likable in a genuine way. You catch more bees with honey and you catch more hands being an a-hole. So my question is this.. Where can I get a good salad in LA? I overate in New York and I'm going to have to eat air and lettuce for the next week to make up for it.